ready
2:20 p.m. on 2007-09-15
i'm single. lonely but fullfilled... i have some good friends, unfortunately i also have some friends that have deserted me altogether. part of me is happy they're out of my life, what with the lies i've discovered and the fact that i was the friend to them, not them to me. but that's the past, i had good times with both or the boys i speak of (yes they're older, but they're both little boys in my mind, immature and uncaring. i know they'll get what's comming to them, people are starting to see them as i do.) i hope they can look back on the times we shared with fond memories as well, but that's all that will be. memories. no chance to make new ones. unless they come to me, because i'm done. but that's not why i came to write... i was driving home from a friends house last night, and had the strangest feeling that i was in vegas. i dont know how that feeling came to be, but the area i was driving in had a name like a casino/hotel and the streets and lights reminded me of the outskirts of vegas, kinda like the red rocks area out there.. it was strange. i became very sad. i felt very alone. i knew that if i was really in vegas i could have just driven to a friends house and there would be a drink waiting for me, and someone to give me a hug, tell me about their life and get my mind off of my own. not that my life is bad, actually things are falling into place perfectly, but still there's something missing, maybe it's closure... all i want is the truth, i want to not hear from someone else what people say happened, i want a chance to speak my mind, i want my friends to want to see me, i want to see my friends! i guess before i move, i want things wrapped up in a nice little bow. i want to see everyone who means anything to me one more time (tho 2 little boys need to contact me if they want this to occur, or fate will have to intervene and we run into each other. possible, but unlikely) i want to say my goodbyes, and leave on good terms, no unended drama, no hard feelings. just peace. knowing that if we cross paths again we can hug, say hi, chat and catch up a bit and leave again, remembering the good times, and maybe not forgetting the bad, but moving on from them. right now there's no room to move on. no chance to heal. i have a hole in my heart that just needs closure. it's gotten smaller, i guess i just need to know what's going on to close it up for good. i guess i dont feel it's too much to ask.. but i'm ready for this new chapter in my life. i'm ready to travel, be on my own, really on my own, for the first time. no one to hold me back, or bail me out. it's all on me. yeah i'll have some friends in any of the towns i could move to, yeah i'll meet new people at my new job, but it's still gonna be all on me. my family far away and not paying for me to be there. it's scary, it's crazy, but i'm ready for it. i need it. i've been dreaming of getting out of here since i moved back almost 3 years ago. and now it's going to happen, of course it's not how i had planned it in my head, but it's still happening and the only thing that could make me happier would be closure.
