boys... *sighs*
11:57 p.m. on 2005-08-06
just got done hangin out with the kids from work (tho admittedly, i was one of the youngest there...) we went to waffel house cuz we could all go. bah. it was fun tho. i had too much coffee with too much cream and sugar... and i'm not sure the cream was really good... i got so nauseous after my 3rd cup... and the waitress having to sniff the milk wasn't too comforting either... i feel i need direction in my life... i need to do something to get on track... maybe school will do that... maybe seeing justin will help, maybe him moving out here will be even better... all i know is something needs to light a fire under my ass and get me movin again. i think i kinda pissed justin off yesterday/today. i told him i'd loan him out to other girls for now, but he's mine. he didn't really like that. he told me i have nothing to be jealous of cuz he's lonely and depressed... that he's ok with me seeing other people, and that if he could find someone short term he'd take it cuz he hates being alone. i understand that... and it's sort of what i meant by the whole "on loan" thing too... in my heart we're together... but until we can be in each others arms, well, we might as well "enjoy the freedom" or whatever... tho i know that i'm not... i can't find anyone who lives up to him... i dont really think i want to either... i want company, i want cuddling, of course i want sex too. lol. but more than anything, i want him... i hope in explaining that to him he understands what i really meant.. tho he did say that people thinking we're together no and all is just rubbing salt in the wounds. i just dont know... i really can't wait to see him agaain... i need to sign up for classes soon... i just dont know what i want to take, i'm close to just closing my eyes and picking random classes, seeing what works for me and what doesn't... maybe i'll just do some core classes, english, social sciences (lots of those!) maybe a creative writing course too? i'll stick to what i'm good at this semester... also stick to what interests me... maybe take one elementary ed class, see what it's like... who knows... i did meet a guy last week who seems pretty entertaining if nothing else... we have plans to hang out sometime soon... should be fun... i'm not sure if it was the booze that made me find him somewhat attractive (tho features are blurry in my head. lol) or maybe it was the conversation... we bonded over hitchhikers guide to the galaxy and perfect tits. haha. and we were able to talk for over half an hr on the phone the other night (well, i was able to talk most of that time. haha. he put up with my mindless babble!) so it should be fun when i get to hang out with him... then mike is confusing me... we meet, talk a lot, make plans to hang out, he flakes. we talk more, keep making plans, he keeps putting them off... he seemed interested in hanging out and all (and nothing was ever said about it having to be alone) but he just kept putting it off, finding excuses, saying it would happen eventually, that we'd hang out again... but i guess i'm finally realizing that he just doesn't want to hang out with me outside of work. i dont think it would matter who was there (tho irasema can make him do whatever she wants. i think that's why he came out tonight... last night he didn't really seem to want to. lol) maybe it is just that he reminds me of justin... i want that little link, whatever it is... i dont find him near as hot as justin, he doesn't have the silly sense of humor, i mean really, now that the hair is gone, the similarities are too... but still, the fact that when i first saw him i thought of justin makes me want to be around him... and he's able to put up with my bullshit to an extent... yes, i liked him, yes, i wanted to be with him, but i realize that's not gonna happen, so i'm over it... i still want to hang out with him tho... i've always had guy friends... it doesn't hafta be about sex or relationships, i just want a guy i can hang out with... i need another fag. at least then sex wasn't even in the picture, even if they did make out with me. that's what i need... a guy who i absolutely adore, who might occaisionally make out with me or cuddle with me, but nothing else will ever happen. i sort of wonder if that may be part of why mike wont hang out with me... i am a very sexual person... i am a very "touchy feely" person. i've made out with almost all of my friends, it's just part of who i am... i can't help but think he kinda knows that might happen and doesn't like that... i do wish he could be honest and tell me why he wont hang out with me. blah. i think i'm gonna go upstairs and read for a while before bed... i think i'm getting sick and have been sleeping a LOT more than usual... i need to set up a drs appt soon... *yawn* g'night.
