long ramblings....
10:55 p.m. on 2005-06-30
was really worried about justin last night. this morning he had court and there was a possibility (tho slim) that he would go to jail for up to 90 days. turns out the courts lost his papers and they may not find them at all. so, he's safe, out of jail. not even probation right now. i got to talk to him this morning. it was really nice. yesterday while we were talking, he told me he loves me. i love him too. yes, he's the one from the last entry, why i didn't say it then, i dont know, but yeah... it was nice for him to say it first. i dont know if it was the stress from the possibility of jail time or what, but yeah. it wasn't the only time he said it either. it was so nice talking to him this morning. such a relief that i wont hafta go without talking to him and all, such a relief that he doesn't hafta go through that. just for a dui. he says he wasn't even drunk and i believe him. yeah his bac was over the limit, but he can drink a lot and drive fine (well, a lot more than me! wait, that's not sayin much...) but yeah... it was nice talking about what we'll do when i go visit. if he's allowed, we'll go up to canada (i've never been) we'd go to city club in detroit, he'd take me around the city. he's gonna take the week that i go out there off work too so we can spend the whole time together. i'm really excited about it. i just need to work out the details and figure out when i'll go... i think tims pissed at me and i dont really care. i told him to call me sometime, and that i'm not gonna call him. he asked why, and i told him i always call, i know he's busy and all, but ya know, if he can spare 10-15 mins to talk to me on the phone, he can spare 2 to call and say "hey, i'm busy now, would love to talk later, gimme a call sometime" that's all i'm askin for. now he's another guy i gotta go see just to get my stuff back. blah. he has my rocky horror dvd, my "knock me down and fuck me" high heals and my "what is goth" book. bah. i just feel stupid for thinkin he was a good guy. and as much as i really do love justin, i do want someone "for now" someone like i thought tim was, someone i enjoy spending time with, that i can cuddle and makeout with and other things... lol. but yeah... no more of that for tim. he fucked it up. then there's mike at work... he's funny, nice, smart... but he can be a total prick. he gets all upity over stupid shit. he's totally my type tho. and we've talked about that (for him: dating coworkers is a no-no. i can respect that.) and he remnids me so much of justin. i guess that's why i can't take it that he wont talk to me. he makes me feel closer to justin, so i latch on to him. i do kinda feel bad about that, especially since i hadn't really made that connection till i wrote it down (ah, the joys of journaling) but seriously, he shouldn't be pissed at me. the only reason i can think of that he would be is that i told some other managers about him and his buddy/roommate/another manager slacking off while i was running my ass off. and yeah, that really upset me. i guess it really pisses me off that he says how much harder he works since he's become a manager, but i see him being lazy a lot more often too. maybe i'm wierd, but even when i'm standing around talking, i'm still doing something else work related while i'm doing it, folding tshrits, hanging pants, SOMETHING productive. plus, i feel horrible when i'm not doing what i need to get done. maybe he was done with his specific tasks, but i'm also the type that once specific tasks have been done, i find other things to do. i'm not lazy at work. i dont tolerate it in others either. frankly, i find mike to be a hypocrite a lot of the time. *shrugs* he likes tellin me to get back to work while i'm talking and folding while he's on his way back to just stand around and talk. yeah, and the whole "dont be standing around talking to coworkers" when that seems to be a lot of what he does now... dont get me wrong, when i do see him working, he's working hard. and when chads not there, the problem disapears. maybe that's not a coincidence... maybe i'm also a bit pissy that he doesn't pay me near as much attention as he did even weeks ago. tho the tickling on the floor does need to stop. i need to talk to him about that. last time he did it, somehow it just got WIERD. i dont know why i got uncomfortable then. it was one of those "taken advantage of" feelings... i dont know why i felt that way then, there was no reason to, and i had never felt it before, but it was there, and i freaked out bad. i do miss having him as a friend, since it seems he doesn't want my friendship... *shrugs* i feel so alone right now. the people i care about either dont care about me, dont wanna see/talk to me, are too busy in their own lives, or live in another state. i should go out and meet people, but i suck at that. i think i'm gonna go upstairs, write a letter to justin and read for a while. oh, and i got my nipples re-pierced yesterday. they're so sore. but they look hot.
