emo bitch... as always.
3:13 p.m. on 2005-06-13
bah. i was so incredibly drunk last night. i seriously haven't been that wasted since vegas. fuckin a. went to the club with tim and all, we took shots of jack in his car outside before goin in, then went out for more shots later on. i should've stuck to just the few i had before we went in. see, i have this lil problem... i tend to try to keep up with people i'm drinking/smoking/doing other drugs with. doesn't really matter to me that i have NO tolerance to anything. (oh, and before people get mad at me, i haven't been doing drugs lately. i'm clean, i'm happy that way for now.) so, after we had gone back to the car with this other girl who'd sprained her knee (ashley?) as soon as i stood up i felt it. holy shit. jack is not your unconditional friend. so, i was talkin to the chick, we talked piercings etc. and we went and sat down since i couldn't stand up. i ended up having to stumble to the bathroom to puke, then we went downstairs, where i almost passed out at the table i was sitting at. so, tim walks me to his car, this other chick ends up walking with us too... they set me up in the backseat, lyin on my side, water not far away, then they start making out. tim's more of a makeout whore than i am. lol. i can admit, i was jealous. bah. next thing i remember is people comming back to the car, i think it was just ashley and branden... branden left to look for tim, ashley gave me her shall cuz i was freezing (teeth chattering, shaking like mad) so, tim was found and we left to take ashley home... me lying on brandens lap, he ended up takin off his shirt to help keep me warm too... so, after everyone was dropped off, tim and i went back to his place, he was a lil horndog. i'm raggin so i wasnt really wanting to do too much (not sure if i've gone into the reasons behind my aversion to sex while ragging, but i dont really want to now) if i hadn't been so drunk i prolly wouldnt have done anything... but we had great drunk sex. i enjoyed myself and i think he did too. i had to get home so my dad could take my car to work this morning (he got in an accident in his car, and the car he's borrowing from a friend cant get on base.) tim tried telling me i couldn't drive home, but that was before the sex and all. i had time to sober up. we can all tell emily is beyond fucked up when she stops talking altogether. once she starts talking again, we know she's sobering up and getting to a happier place. i started talking a lil again after ashley was dropped off... they were talking about how much i'd had to drink, and how they didn't know when i had last eaten or anything... i asked if they were talking about me, and then told them i hadn't had anything to eat since about 2:30 that afternoon. yeah, that would explain how drunk i was. yeah, i think the last time i was that drunk and out dancing was a night i went ot the club in vegas (dating itself just by that, dont remember when alicia stopped workin the door, when she stopped, we couldn't get in...) when some guy kept buyin me drinks then drove my car back to the dorms cuz i couldn't do it myself... damn... that was a LONG time ago. and the dude kept trying to make out with me. i was only talking to him cuz he was buying me drinks. i dont think i ever saw him at the club again either... hm... bah. but in other news, dana is gettin married to zach, a guy i introduced her to and well, really she didn't seem to like him much till i'd had a crush on him... hm... it doesn't suprise me she's getting married so young. but i do feel kinda sorry for him... she is a piece of work. i realize now why our friendship didn't work. in any relationship, there are "flowers" and "gardners" (i'm taking this from will and grace, but it really does make sense) the flower needs the attention, and the gardner is happy to give it. of course in a healthy relationship, you're able to switch of as needed, i mean, gardners need a lil attention too... and it's kinda selfish to expect to be pampered and taken care of ALL the time while giving nothing back... and well, dana is deffinitely a flower, and i like to be the flower too sometimes, and anytime i needed some tending to or attention, she brought the subject back to her. my problems meant nothing to her. i confessed my E.D. to her, she told me about her "struggles" with weight, when brandon broke up with me, she told me how her stepdad was going to the dr for some reason or another. when she needed attention, i was always there for her, but when i needed it, she just needed more from me. i know i'm a flower most of the time. i need lots of attention. but i can also give attention when someone else needs it. i take REALLY good care of people i care about. i like cooking for people, buying cute lil gifts, just being spontaneous and such... but yeah... *shrugs* i guess i just want something like that, not marriage, fuck that, i just want someone who actually cares about me, wants to be with me, i wish justin were here... or something... i mean, i adore tim, but i just dont know how he feels or how to bring it up without feeling stupid, whiny, gah. i want something special... bah. fuck me. i hate being an emo bitch. oh, but my biofeedback appointment is tomorrow. wish me luck.
