emo babble... the road of my life...
2:39 p.m. on 2005-06-07
wow, i go days without an entry, then 2 in a row... wtf is goin on? bah. so, i'm talking to justin right now. we all know i adore the kid. that i was planning on moving in with him, that i desperately want that to happen, but i can't really go without my parents financial support right now... well, it seems i may not even have my parents financial support if i move out and stay in state. if that's the case, fuck them, i'm leaving. i've just come to the point in my life that i can't live under their roof. if they'll still help me with school, i'll stay in school and stay here... if they wont, i'll move back to vegas and eventually go back to school when i can afford it for myself. either way, school will eventually happen, and i will get my own place. now it's just standing up for myself and telling my parents this. i dont know what i want or need in my life now other than i both want and need to move out of this house. then there's tim... i adore him too, and would love to see where things could go, but i dont know if anything would happen between us, as happy as he makes me, and as much as i enjoy spending time with him, i really dont feel like he feels the same way... i know justin wants me, wants to be with me, and wants something serious NOW. but i can't help thinking there was a reason i met tim, and i still haven't found it yet... i want to see what it is... i know justin will always be there for me, even if just as friends. we're just so close, and we've been able to remain friends through the distance, through dating other people, through a lot of tough shit... i know he'll treat me right and even if we do break up, i know we'd still be able to stay friends, and stay really close. that's just how both of us are... i guess with tim it's just we're both at very different parts of our lives... i've been single for over 2 years. i'm ready to try something new, but my life is extremely unstable right now, his life, while very stable compared to mine, he just got out of a serious relationship that he's still stuck thinking about. right now i think i need something committed, something serious, i can't help but think that's not something he wants or needs right now. he's a huge flirt, and i know that if things did continue the way they're going, i'd start getting really jealous and hurt by all the girls he flirts with and hangs out with. plus, what steph said to me weeks ago still hurts me. the whole fucking, "oh, i see what it is, i'm too skinny for you now?" comment. bah. i mean, things like that shouldnt bother me, and i feel like i have such double standards, cuz with justin, i know he's with liz, and i know they're together, and i'm completely ok with that, maybe it's cuz i know that'll be ending soon and he wants me right now. i dont know... i am not a very stable person... thinking like this isn't going to do anything... but getting all of these feelings out is really helpful... i really should just go outside and have a cig... i haven't been outside yet today, and i haven't had one cig yet either... i'm sure this entry made no sense whatsoever. but i really dont give a shit. it all needed to come out. wish me luck talking to my parents eventually... wish me luck making all these decisions.. i'm comming to a fork in the road of my life... i dont know which road i'll take yet, nor where it will lead, but all i can hope for is happiness and love. how fucking sappy am i? fuck. i need a smoke.
