shitty weekend...
11:34 a.m. on 2005-06-07
i dont even know where to begin... the weekend sucked. i was very dissappointed in some people i thought to be friends, i cannot stand people who go behind my back and lie. fuck not inviting me to go out, that doesn't bug me at all, but tell me about it! i'm not gonna invite myself. and dont get all sketchy when i ask about it when i do find out. "who told you that?" fuck you. bah. so, i had been feeling a BIG funk commin on, all the signs were there, i knew it was just a matter of time. i guess that was just the catalyst i needed this time... i was stupid and weak, so i bought a razor blade on my lunch break on saturday. a few small cuts on my wrist and a bunch on my left calf and shin... i felt stupid about it. and i did and didn't want to tell people... i ended up telling tim. he was really upset. we talked on the phone for about 45 mins, me sobbing the entire time. he opened up a lot to me, and i tried to open up, but i still shut myself out. just huddled in my bed, sobbing, not wanting to have the conversation. not wanting to hear i'd hurt him. we went to the club sunday night. i was really hopin carly and gary would go, but they didn't... didn't even call me either! boo! but oh well. it wasn't very fun for me anyways. i was still in my mood the night before. just sat in a corner the most part. tim didn't really talk to me at all. kinda upset me that he wasn't near me at all... i guess i took it as him being mad at me, or just not liking me... i wasn't in the state of mind where i could handle that. i danced to a few songs, once i was up i was up, well, till a song came on where there were FAR too many people on the floor and i couldn't handle them all so close to me. i never walk off the dancefloor in the middle of a song... but i did... i was freaking out. we didn't stay out too long, cuz one of tims friends had to be home early. so, we left, i followed him as he dropped everyone off. then we went back to his place, sat down, talked, he got teary eyed talkin about cutting... and as emotional as i was, i couldn't cry that night. i felt like a bitch. just cold, emotionless. he asked what was wrong, as i wasn't myself... i didn't feel like myself. i explained how about once a month i go into these funks and i was long overdue. he tried saying it was my period, but no, that's normally just a mini-funk for me. but sometimes the funks coincide and i get this. bah. i hope the biofeedback helps. fuck, i should call and try to make my appointment... i dont wanna invite myself over, but i'd really like to see tim tonight... well, i'd like to see him every night... that and i REALLY wanna get my nipples pierced again and i've been thinkin bout goin to the place he went. but i dunno.. i really dont think he likes me as much as i like him. i'm fallin fast, and i really can't help it... i'm tryin to guard myself, keep a distance, at least till he's met my friends, come to see me... but it's hard. i'm too much of an emotional person. logic means nothing to me. but yeah, i think i may shower and go do something. i dont wanna be home right now.
