anywhere but here...
11:21 p.m. on 2005-05-05
i'm very depressed right now. i need to get away from here... i'm so sick of this town, the people in it, the way it makes me feel... i need a place of my own, with a person i care about and can't stop thinking of... i wish he thought of me as much as i thikn of him... i know he has a gf right now, but still, i do consider him mine. lol. he's on loan to her. i know he'll come to me. and i know when he does we'll do great. i know that i'm happy with him. i'm happy just talking with him. i htink i'm gonna take a break from school. i really can't do it right now. i will deffinitely go back, probably in a year or so. once i realize that i need it to be where i want to be in my life. i do still want to be a teacher, but right now all that gets me out of bed in the morning is working. and that hardly does it. right now i'm mature enough to work, but not mature enough to go to school. i know what i want, maybe i'm afraid to get it, maybe i do try to make myself fail, not conciously, but i do tend to sabatoge myself far too often. but i'm digging myself out of my hole. i have a job that, while i dont love it, it's good for me and keeps me busy, i have a few friends who really do care about me and want me to succeed and are trying to help me out, i have a family that while they irk the shit out of me, i know they still love me and want the best for me. i really do have it well, yet i still hate my life. my mom wants me to get an appt in town for 6months or so. um... no. i dont want to live near my family. i want to pull out a map, close my eyes and move wherever my finger lands. but that may just be from me not getting out of here in a while... i am taking a lil vacation soon. my friends graduation is comming up, june 21. my mom is paying for my plane ticket. then i may go to kansas and meet justin there sometime too. his cousin is getting married and well, we would deffinitely like to see each other... i miss him terribly. i'm very nervous about moving in with him. not at all to say i'm rethinking or doubting my decision, but i've never lived with someone i've dated... i know he and i can get along really well, we spent days on end together when we were both in vegas... but there's a huge difference between days and months... we did decide that a 2 bedroom would be best, that we would of course be sleeping together tho... silly stupid things are worrying me... like having to take a shit and be embarassed about it... i mean, i know that's stupid, and i know i'm really not embarassed about it and all, but just thinking about these things... but then i think about how exciting it'll be, our first night together, after lots of unpacking and settling in, just to lie down with him, cuddle into his arms and fall asleep...i'm gonna try to steal furniture from my family... we have tons of stuff in our basement and all that we never use... an old ugly couch, a table and chairs, i wanna steam my bed, dresser, bookshelf maybe an old comp desk we have... who knows, maybe i'll see if he would want to move to co for a few months first... i could pick him up in kansas, steal him back here and we could get a place... save up some money, then go wherever we wanted... it could work... but i feel i'm trying to make all these decisions and he should make them too... but he doesn't seem to care too much where he ends up, like me we're in this "anywhere but here" state of mind. tho i would honestly move to him. just up and go. so what if he's the only one i'd know there? i dont know... my hesitation is only that i have never been in this situation before... i'm extatic that i'll get to... but even still, it's not 100% sure yet... i really shouldn't get my hopes up... *shrugs* i'm emotional as hell and needing someone to cuddle with. *sighs*
