shitty day
10:48 p.m. on 2005-03-31
gah. i hate snow. i hate driving in snow, i hate people who drive in snow, i hate people who drive in snow to go shopping when i almost killed myself just to get to work today. yeah. driving in this morning was that bad. i had to shovel a bit to get out (nice of my dad to tell me more than 10 mins before iwas gonna leave.) then had to stop and get gas, then i was on my way, where people were goin about 40mph the whole way. least i gave myself 45 mins to get there. so, some moron was tailgating me decided to try to pass me, not realizing that i was going as fast as i could and by trying to pass me he got stuck behind a truck. haha. then the moron in front of me slammed on his breaks... real smart. so, i had to slam on mine, and turn the wheel and almost go into the median cuz my breaks and tires aren't that great anyways. it was fun. let me tell ya. THEN there was this JACKASS who was tailgating me, i was goin about 60 then (in castle rock where the speed limit is only 65 anyways! it was still slushy too. so goin faster wasn't smart) so, i've got my blinker on to get back into the right lane so i could exit. he would not slow down for me. so, he was a few inches from hitting me, and had the balls to flip ME off while passing me!! WTF? i wasn't doin anything wrong there. he was the jerk. not me. i wanted to kill him. had the roads been better i woulda break checked him. so, i finally got to work, where stu (one of the managers) let me in, telling me that it would just be him and me opening today. great. turns out one guys battery died, another got injured playing basketball (we were joking "what, he tripped on the clipboard?" since this guy is lazy and really too short and fat to play basketball.) then brandon (deaf kid) was stuck in traffic, but he wouldn't have been much good on the floor anyways since well, he can't hear or speak well. my conversations with him are (since he can read lips wonderfully) me mouthing "how are you?" him replying with "goo-uh" and a thumbs up. we then make jestures and get on pretty well that way. so, then, when one customer was ready to pay, i went over to the register and put in my password, and the computer told me that the register wasn't open... got on my radio... "uh... stu? it says the register isn't open..." he has me go to the next register over, same results. so he gets put on hold talkin to the help desk and i'm tryin to keep up with everyone in the front of the store... finally the registers are back up, and things went pretty smoothly from there on out... least it went fast since we were busy. why do people go shoppin in that weather??? i just dont understand it. as stu said to people walkin in right when he opened the doors "are the shoes that important that you hafta come in this weather?" dont think i wrote about this, but the other night i went out with kyle, we drank a lot, him much more than me, i ended up drivin his car, and after we went to the porn store in denver, i drove back to my place cuz he wasn't feelin well... so, we get back, i tell him where we are and ask if he wants to come in and pass out on the couch or in the guest room... he says he's fine.. i ask if he wants some water, pillow, blanket, tell him i dont wanna leave him in his car, but i hafta go in and go to sleep, he answers by puking. wont even drag his head out the car door, and wont let me do it for him... nice. so, i go inside, get him some towels, a blanket and a pillow, cover him up and clean him up best i can without moving him (any time i tried to move him i got pushed away) and went in, set my alarm for 5am so i could go check on him (this happened about 2am) so, alarm goes off and i go check on him, he's still breathing, but hardly coherant... i tell him what time it is and he doesn't really respond. i guess after i went back in my dad went and talked to him on his way to work... by the time i got up for work his car was gone. i sent him a text asking how he was feeling and he told me like shit and appologized. still haven't really talked to him tho... before all that we kinda talked a bit... seriously... shouldn't do that with him while he's drunk and i'm not. he was kinda harsh. sayin he really didn't like what he saw in my eyes when he talked about other girls... how he feels things for me i'll never know, but he doesn't agree with a lot that i've done and some things i still do. he brought up the "i know we've tried dating, but it doesn't work for us" so i had to tell him how long ago that was, i mean, it hardly counts, we NEVER saw each other. plus: we were 16. i really hope he didn't get mad at the note i gave him... i told him my idea that maybe he thought i was trying to get pregnant to be with him... he'll prolly try to turn that one on me too... say how horrible it is i would think he could think something like that. he also said that i act like it's all about me. i dont htink i do... i try not to. i'm the one that always tries to do what others want. help them before i help myself. fuck. the more i write the more i see that he isn't good for me, but i STILL want him. i still care about him a lot. he can be a jerk to me, but i still go back for more. i need to find a nice guy... i'm not looking for something serious or longterm, just a mr or ms right now. i want somehting short and fun. something commited, but with the knowledge that "hey, i'm moving in a few months" i'm tired of being a sex doll. i'm tired of being taken advantage of. next guy i'm with i'm not sleeping with right away. i want to know that i'm more to guys than that. right now that's all i am. none ever call me... i get awkward and nervous about seeing them again... things go so well that first time, then i think somethings there... that we "clicked" but i feel like somethings wrong with me... i'm never good enough for anything but sex. i haven't been on a date since last summer, havent been in a relationship since brandon... am i that hard to like??? what am i doing wrong? i know that looking for love doesn't work. but that's not what i'm looking for. i just want someone to treat me well... to care about me... to not just want to hang out when he/she's horny. is that so much to ask??? am i really that unlikeable and barely even worth having sex with??? i hate how insecure i am. how every little thing that happens will overwhelm me and make me feel horrible... not hearing from a guy a few days after we sleep together can make me go off the deep end. but on the other hand, having a guy tell me he thinks i'm pretty, and that he had wanted to talk to me the first night he saw me will send me soaring and makes everything better... fuck, with how my emotions are right now i know tomorrow will be fun. ha. gotta work, but then i get to go to the club... it's gary's bday, so i can't skip. i'll go and "be happy" cuz gary's been so cool to me for so long. then saturday i get to work then go to his party. hafta be social, but at least i hung out with some of the people who'll be there and had so much fun it should be fine... i now know a few more people and know that they kick ass. carly and i are gonna go get piercings soon. i can't wait. gotta find out how much they are so i know how much to save... then i gotta go to wells fargo and make a payment on my credit card and see how much i owe... shouldn't be more than $200 after i make this next payment... i sure hope it isn't... i mean, it was $600 when i made a payment right when i started working at nike... then after that i've made a $100 payment every payday cept the last one... i should be almost done... least tomorrow's payday. woot. but yeah... i'm done bein all emo and depressed.. well, really i'm not, but i'm done writin about it. laterz.
