work, school, headaches...
11:49 a.m. on 2005-02-25
headaches more and more frequent. and worse. have had an almost constant headache for over a week. dr. gave me a new perscription but i'm afriad to take it. i'm not even supposed to take it every day. it's extremely addictive. plus, when i have taken it it hasn't done shit. lovely, huh? mri on the 2nd. work is boring, the joys of retail. ha. people should come visit me if they have time. when i'm working on weekdays there's almost nothing to do. i need to start wearing a watch cuz i almost missed my second break yesterday. well, i took it over 2 hrs late. but i see that as them being stupid. i had my second break scheduled for 45 mins after i got back from lunch! i dont need breaks that close together! but yeah... today i switched shifts and dont hafta go in till 2. i have no idea when i work tomorrow... once i have the time, energy, patience and picture(s) i need, i'm going to be updating my template. if people have forgotten i've been wanting to since nov. 8th but i haven't gotten around to it. i'm not sure if i still want that idea, but who knows. and the template will prolly be getting more and more spiffy as i'm taking a web design class. speaking of classes, they start monday. so, i get to juggle 40hrs a week of work, a full course load at school (13 hrs) and try to fit in a social life. lovely. been hanging out a lot with kyle. close to every day. i like being around him. i hate that i can't always talk or be completely honest with him, that i get quiet, needy or just plain wierd when we're together... i can't help that i'm needy. i just like knowing that people around me care about me. i'm still insecure. i've been taking my meds and havent been quite as depressed lately, but i still feel like people really dont care about me, that they're using me for something or just feel sorry for me. the other night, almost in tears i asked kyle why he hangs out with me. i got an answer that i'm happy with, but also kinda confuses me... he said that i'm cool, that he likes chilling with me, that it's something to do and he doesn't have any other friends. does that mean that if there was something else to do or he had other friends i'd be out the window??? he claimsthat he's accepted the fact that he and his ex have broken up for good and wont get back together, but, where am i in this picture? he still thinks i for some reason hate him. i never really hated him. i was just feeding off of brandons jealousy. i had been mad at him on his bday years ago while i was dating brandon and he kissed me... but that just made me stop talking to him. i mean, i then knew that i couldn't be faithful and see him. we were talking about ex's and all, and he asked me if i had ever cheated on anyone. i told him the closest i came was when he kissed me. i never get anywhere when i ask what i am to him. last time i tried, he told me he was still wanting his ex. he's also been more affectionate. i'll get kisses on the forehead, cheek etc fairly often now. tho i hafta make the move if there's to be more than that going on. i need to try to talk to him more, but i dont want to ruin what's already there. *shrugs* i wanna go out and do something... maybe i'll go to the club tonight. i'll see if kyle will come with me, but he's not much for social situations. i know i'm gonna go to gary's party (this a formal enough rsvp? lol) but i dont think i'll be bringing a guest. i think it'd kill kyle if i took him. lol. well, i think i'm gonna go get ready for work... if i see people at the club, awesome, if not, sometime soon i hope. laterz.
