i'm not afraid of screaming and i'm not afraid of crying. i'm just afraid of forgetting, and i am afraid of dying.
3:48 a.m. on 2004-11-30
i'm a bad person. i hate what i do, and that i keep repeating the same patterns, and even when i try to change, it all stays the same. always. i dont know if i can change. "i'm not afraid of being sick, i'm more afraid of being well." yeah... that's where i'm at right now... "i'm not afraid put the gun in my hand, i'm just afraid it'll hurt like hell" yeah... that one too... fuck. why am i in this mood??? i texted chris a little bit ago... i regret doing it. i dont want him to feel he needs to deal with my problems. kelly's mad at me, i'm more mad at myself... i've done some stupid shit lately that i'm not at all proud of. i just sent him another apologizing... it may have been even worse... but they're sent now, so yeah... hopefully he doesn't get wierd... i hate that everyone gets wierd when they hear how fucked up i really am... i just feel i can trust him... and i dont think he'd desert me over this shit... i hope not anyways... i'm fucked up right now... in more ways than one... it's not a good thing... i shouldn't seclude myself with the computer right now... i should go watch a movie or somethin with gaby... anything but think... but i can't help it... fuck.
