what would life be like if i weren't depressed?
6:48 p.m. on 2004-11-30
it's prolly not smart to tell your shrink that you'd rather die than go back home.... for some reason it makes them think you're planning on killing yourself and they ask if you need to go back to the hospital. i guess it doesn't sink in that i'd rather die than go back there too... *shrugs* chris texted me back this morning with a quick "is everything ok?" and i told him i was just being stupid and emo, not to worry about me and i appologized again... i hope i didn't scare him away... speaking of scaring people away, i still haven't heard back from mike... stupid fucker. i am really not happy with that boy now. i mean, how hard is it to even say, "hey, leave me alone for a while" or even forever. seriously. i have 2 goals for the week from my shrink... see one proffessor tomorrow about getting spring semester cleared up, and not cut (or if i do or feel like it to call in and make an appointment sooner.) suicidal thoughts have been comming more often and worse lately. nothing i can't handle, nothing i can't just tell to go away, but the ideas are more frequent and very tempting. i mean, i have an entire bottle of midrin sitting next to me right now... that shit fucked me up when i took 1 pill, think of what it'd do if i took the whole bottle. especially if i took it with alcohol. i really do hate that i think like this... but i dont know what i'd be like if i didn't... i mean, how much of my personality would change if i weren't depressed??? i mean, i know i act normal and happy, but how wierd would it be to actually BE that happy? it's just scary to think about it... but i think i'm gonna go take a shower for now... hopefully i'll feel better once i'm clean and i'll maybe think of something to do to keep my mind off of depressing things... maybe i'll watch dawn of the dead (for the millionth time)
