rambling. lovely.
3:31 a.m. on 2004-11-25
fuck. i had so much written and it's gone. i hate it when that happens. one false click and it's all gone. damnit. it was a fucking good long entry too... i don't think i have the energy to make this quite as long as the other, but believe me, i need to write and it's gonna be long and rambly. just like old times... i haven't really written like this in a while... or i dont really remember having a mood like this in a long time. yes, i'm in a funk. a bad one. but not as bad as when i wrote to my family. i miss my creativity. i miss that i can't write like i used to. that i'm stuck to writing journals. stream of consious. i know that i'm good at that and all, but i like writing creatively. it used to be one of the main things that made me happy. i can't just sit down and think of a plot, or a poem, or anything anymore. i used to just walk around and have to stop to write things down. i miss that. i miss dancing. i miss going to class and not thinking of anything else the entire time i was there. my shrink asked me to think of the things that made me happy... and well, it took a long time to even think of those things, and of course, i can't even do those anymore... i can't think of what to write and i can't afford to dance... i need a job. i need to do everything that needs to get done. i need a reason to live. my shrink is right... i have nothing to look forward to. i wake up "damn, i'm here again" instead of "one step closer to _____" i have no realistic goals. there's nothing that i really see actually happening. as much as i want to open my store eventualy, i dont know if i could ever do it. i dont have near enough designs, and would anyone by them? i doubt myself too much. i know i'm not bad with designing stuff... i could prolly start selling some things now if i could afford to buy some clothes to start out on... and supplies... and i'd need to get a sewing machine... the startup cost alone just puts it out of the question for now. my life thus far is all should haves and would haves... i dont have much in my life that i'm proud of. fuck, i can't really think of anything that i'm extremely proud of... while i know i still have a lot to do to get myself back on track, i dont think anyone really knows the hell i've been going through. there are things i've wanted desperately. namely drugs and cutting that i haven't let myself have. i just wrote mike a very long email on myspace... i hope he gets it and responds soon... i really did write like i do here to him... completely raw, uncensored... pure me... i dont think people get that... in my writing i am pure... almost nothing that i think doesn't actually go to the page... there's not much that i will think better of and not write...most of my editing is just in how it's put... not editing the message. gah... my head hurts from coughing, and my septum is a bit infected from my cold as well... i think blowing my nose so much has irritated it. gah... tomorrow is HIM. i'm so excited it's not even funny. mike had 2 copies of Deep Shadows and Brilliante Highlights and he gave his extra to me. i'm listening to it now. i dont get why/how he can be such a jackass sometimes and so nice others... but lately he's been more of a jackass... but hopefully he'll respond and actually think about what i wrote to him... i hope it'll get him to at least talk to me again... i mean, tonight was the first time he's said more than "hey" to me since all this shit started... but now i think i shoud try to sleep... as i haven't for quite some time... i dont know how i'm awake really, but i'm not completely... my body is awake and my mind is trying to shut off, but i'm not really letting it... *shrugs* i should prolly let it shut down... maybe it'll help me get better... happy turkey day too... *yawns* laterz.
