not wanting to get used to this feeling...
2:18 a.m. on 2004-11-16
i hate my sleep schedule... i was exhausted all day because i took my migrane meds and now, when it's 2:15 in the morning, i can't sleep. what the fuck is wrong with me??? i spent saturday and sunday night with chris... nothing happened tho. we talked a lot, and that was really nice... as much as the age difference really is, it's really hard to notice while lying in bed talking to him. he's a great friend. i'm so glad i'm finally getting to know him better. there was a party on saturday... mike was there... didn't even say hi to me... or bye... not one goddamned word. i'm not even worth that much to him. fuck him. i'm truely starting to despise him. he took gaby home with him too. she talked to me first. i didn't really give her my blessings or anything, just told her i wouldn't be mad at her and warned her by saying "you saw how all over me he was at first and how quickly he dropped me." *shrugs* i am not pleased with him at all. she says she'll talk to him... i mean, she's seen his new place, i haven't, she's met his family, she's met his new roommates... seriously, i just don't understand it... i dont like him. but i still do... i guess it's more correct to say i dont want to like him. i explained the whole thing to chris the last night... he didn't seem impressed either... in fact he called mike an asshole. but i told chris that i guess i really was a "little girl" about it, thinking there was something more... maybe this hanging out with older people is making me try to grow up faster, get my act together... i mean, i realize that not all of my friends, even the older ones have everything they want, i mean, they all have jobs, most have places... but they still party... i want that... i mean, i want to be able to go to school, work, and party... i want a bf, i want someone to spend the night with... i want to be comfortable with who i am, with what i'm doing with my life. i want direction... i'm talking to cj, telling him that i dont think he should move out here... i dont really know why i dont want him here, but i dont like the idea... i know things wouldn't be as perfect as he thinks they would be... i dont think he likes that i'm telling him this... he's acting like he's the only one to deal with these issues he's having... he seems to think everything will be perfect if he were to move out here... and as much as i wish that could be the case i know it wouldn't. i know i wouldn't be able to hang out with him like i used to... it wouldn't be the same... our friendship has changed... fuck, i'm so tired all of the sudden... my eyes are hardly open, my thoughts are blurred as is my vision... i dont know what's going on... this is crazy... i dont like where i am right now, so i'm going to bed... g'night...
