this feeling scares me....
3:37 a.m. on 2004-11-13
actually went in and made my appt today... well, yesterday evening... have a shrink appt. for 6 sat. evening. lovely. great way to start a night. specially with what we have planned for later on... much partying will be done... oh it's gonna be fun. i'm so excited. i gotta make myself look super hot... i think i have my outfit picked out... i'm gonna make a scene... totally stand out... i'm gonna wear a pair of bdu style pants that kelly gave me, and either this cute blue/green sparkly halter top or maybe a red halter... either way, i'll be more bright than anyone else there... it'll be hot. wearing those pants tho, i feel so much like i should be in a hip hop class again... i was listening to NIN "black bomb" and dancing away. oh i could do great things with that song... i was having so much fun improving... i miss dancing so much... i need to find a studio... really bad... i should also make a list of things to talk to the shrink about... yeah... i should do that... and finish the fucking million pages of paperwork i need to bring in with me... i dont even know half the shit it's asking me... all my family mental health history... i know my family's fucked up, isn't that enough? i know my mom's been on prozac and i think she's on lexapro now... that's all i know for sure... everyone else we just make fun of for being neurotic and all... tomorrow is my mom's bday. i have nothing for her right now, i didn't even send out a card... but i did remember and i will call her, and i know what her xmas gift is... and i know she'll love it... gah... i'm not tired, but my eyes are... my mind is going a mile a minute, but my eyes are getting heavy.... i hate this. i swear, i'm going crazy... like, literally crazy, not just depressed... i get all tweakerish all of the sudden, then go back to normall... i dont understand it at all and i really dont like it... i wish it would stop... i'm shaking... i dont know why... this needs to stop... it all needs to go away... i need to get away.... help me... please... i swear i'm not just making this up to make things sound good, it's not for attention, it's not to "be cool" because mental illness isn't cool... but i'm crazy... i'm... i dont know... i can't even describe the place i am right now... it doesn't make sense... the world is so scary... i'm scared... i'm all alone... no one here to help me... please.... someone... save me... i dont know what's going on... the room is spinning... i haven't taken any medicine today, no drugs, no alcohol... nothing... and i'm in this scary strange place that i've never been before... i wish i had someone to help methrough this... i wish i could do this on my own, fuck that, i just wish this weren't happening!!! i'm gonna read this later and prolly laugh at myself, or scare the shit out of myself even more for seeing how fucked up this feeling is... i wish there was more i could describe, i wish i had the ability to put this feeling into words, i'm normally a better writer than this... everything is blurry around the edges, making random jumps like all the sudden everything will leap, jump, just move or jerk... unexpectedly, maybe it's just me moving... but the whole room jerks along... it's scary... i dont understand it... everything seems far away. like nothing is real... nothing seems real at all... i have to focus on things to feel them... i dont notice anything untill i conciously think of it... i'm cold... i've got chills... my skin is crawling, i can feel my hair weighing on my head, i can feel everything so much more intensly, it's like a bad trip on a drug... i dont know why i'm feeling this now tho... i'm completely sober... help me... this needs to end now... i htink i'm gonna take my meds and hop in bed... maybe pop in a movie so i have something to focus on while going to sleep other than how fucked up this feeling is... please dont let this last... they'll lock me up if i tell them this... this cant be normal, or natural... they wouldn't wanna hear about this... help me...
