i wanted to think it wasn't true.....
3:35 a.m. on 2004-11-05
i know i just wrote... and i dont know what i'm gonna write now... i dont know what to think... i dont know what to do. i really shouldn't be alone right now. i dont know who i could call... i dont know who would want to stay with me... to sit with me and tell me it's gonna be ok... i just want someone to hold me... it's obvious mike wont be that person... he and gaby were all over each other all night. they didn't kiss, but they kept leaving to smoke together, sitting close, she bounded up to him when we first got there and he put his arm around her... i couldn't watch it. i couldn't look at either of them the rest of the night... even when he came up to me as we were leaving and told me good luck with the parents stuff... i didn't look at him. kelly checked her text messages and they were talking about something tomorrow... wonder if she's goin to do something with him... i mean, seriously, anyone but her!!! why one of my best friends? and why behind my back??? it's fucked up. i am not impressed at all... and i dont even know what to do about it. i want to talk to him, but i dont know what to say... same with her... gah... chris was so nice tho... well, to me... he kept comming up and asking if i was ok... made me talk to him in his car, just listened to me. it was nice. he really is a nice guy. he's the one i'd prolly call and ask to come over... but i wouldn't want to call him... i may call and see how he's getting his friend home... i was gonna, but then some shit went down between him and julie... i dont even know what it was but it wasn't good... he's good at checking up... checking in to make sure all's well... no one else really seems to care. i feel shitty. i want to cut so bad right now. i miss the blade. i know i shouldn't and i wont because my parents get here tomorrow and i already have the lovely freezer burn on my arm to explain... i dont wanna go to class tomorrow... but i know i hafta... damnit. i want to cuddle with someone i want to cry but i can't... i'm just beyond it... i need a hug. i looked fuckin hot tonight too... too bad noone seemed to notice or care. *sighs* devil lock boy wasn't even there... i need to change something in my life, but i dont know what change would really help... i've done almost everything... i mean, i've gone without drugs, doesn't help... i've done drugs, doesn't help... i've lived at home, i've lived here, i've been to school, i've skipped... nothing makes me happy. mike made me happy... but now it seems he just causes more pain. kelly talked to him too... told him he needed to talk to me... i dont know when that's gonna happen. i know i'm being random, and REALLY emo... but i can't help it... i'm not even fucked up anymore... and all i had was a lil rum and coke before we left, smoked the lil miny blunt and had a heineken at the club... i was fucked up for a bit, but not for long... i danced a few times... it wasn't bad... i was still miserable the whole time i was there... my nose itches because i have the ring up in it... it's just irking me... i hope i can pull this off... i really hope my parents dont try to bring me home... they think it would be best for me to be closer. i can't do that... i can't think of anything else to write so i think i'm gonna go try to watch a movie and get some sleep... wish me luck... 10:30 this morning i meet them at the student union... i dont know how this is gonna go... fuck i hate this.
