mood swings suck ass...
3:40 a.m. on 2004-11-03
i hate that i feel the need to censor myself because some stupid people can't mind their own business... i mean, what i write here doesn't necessarily mean anything... half the shit i write is just to get it out... doesn't mean i'll do anything about it... i write that i'm gonna fuckin kill myself so many times, but say one word about revenge against someone who hurt me and of course i'm serious, i mean, that's grounds for someone to threaten to try to get a restraining order against me! not that it would hold, considering i've edited my last entry so now there's no proof of anything. plus i didn't use names, and who's to say someone didn't hack into my comp. i do let almost anyone who asks use my comp... fuck, i hate that i've had to seriously consider locking this diary because of a few stupid people... i wont tho. it's something i've been against doing for myself for a long time. but now i totally understand why others do... and it's still a possibility. it wouldn't be hard for anyone to get the password, i'd tell almost anyone who asked... but it's not something i want to do. i mean, i am totally against censoring myself, i've said that a million times... but i feel that if i dont lock this, then i have to censor myself. i mean, i am now! it's fucked up and i dont like it, but if it hasta be done... well, we'll see... so cj leaves tomorrow... he's been sick the past few days, so we haven't done anything fun... but i love him and i'll miss him... i'll be alone in my room again... i hate being alone... i really just want someone to love me, to want to be with me... i haven't had that in 2 years... i want it again... i need it... sam's considering moving back here. he'd transfer his job, get an appt... he's looking towards february if it happens... i really hope it does. i love that boy so much. and i know he loves me and would help me. i may have fucked up a lot with him, but we were happy. i need to find a job soon tho... if he comes back and i dont have a job it wont be a good thing. we both tend to support each others bad habbits... last time he moved up here i had the job, and i supported him... i have a strong feeling that if i dont have a job this time he'll support me and it'll get just as bad. still, i hope he comes back... i keep fucking things up and i really want to stop, but i dont know how. i want to get better. i really do. but how do i make the first step? so much needs to be done and it's overwhelming. i can't do it alone, and i struggle thinking i can do it at all. that's why suicide is always on my mind, it often seems to be the only way... i dont know what to do to make things better, everything i touch seems to go to shit. i wish i werent such a bad person, that i could do things right, that i didn't lie, that i did what i was supposed to do... i just hate myself, i hate who i am, and i dont see a way to change it. i know i need help. i need a lot of help, but nothing i've done does anything... i mean, i was in the hospital for a week and i'm worse than i've ever been. everyone seems to think i'm better, but i'm not... i'm at one of my lowest points right now and i dont know what to do... i seriously can't remember feeling this bad... feeling this suicidal... i dont know what to do... i'm too much of a wuss to ever do anything tho... last thanksgiving was the worst it ever got... and i was drunk when i did that... fuck, but there's a bottle of rum right behind me, and i still have so many pills it's not even funny. poppity poppity pop pop pooh! my arm hurts like hell. it's like i have freezer burm on the inside of my wrist. it blistered and part of it popped. it's raw and really painful, like any blister. i just hope it heals a bit before my family comes... i dont want them to be here. i dont want to deal with them. i almost want to write my mom an email and tell her everything... try to make things better... but then they'll prolly try to take me home and i dont want that either... i've fucked up so much and i dont wanna do it anymore... but i dont see how i can stop! i know i'm repetitive, but it's all i can think right now... i'm sobbing, afraid i'm gonna wake up cj and hafta explain to him what's going on... that wouldn't be good... i'm at such a low and i have no idea what to do to get up... maybe i should write to my mom... but then i hafta see her in a few days and i dont want to deal with how overbearing she'll be when that happens... she'll want to take care of me, just come in and take over, and i need space! i can't be caged in, and i know that's what she likes to do... but i need help too much... i need to go write that note... wish me luck....
