damn emoness. this shit needs to stop now...
12:16 p.m. on 2004-11-02
wow... so, last night i was totally emo... so not impressed, but i did a few things i totally regret doing on sunday night/eary monday morning and well, after sleeping all day, missing all my classes, i wasn't in a good mood... and i could have made it to band, but i walked to the field, and was late, and since i was in such a bad mood, i knew that going in late wasn't gonna be good either, so i turned around and left to the dc. my lesbians samness and vie were there (ok, so vie's not a lesbian, but she is dating a girl... so yeah...) so they were about to leave, but said they'd sit with me while i ate. so we were fooling around with the salt and ice (for anyone who doesn't know, a lil salt on yer arm/any skin, then an ice cube on that, burns like mad. well, i put a lot of salt, then held the ice there till it completely melted/became a blob of salt water. it didn't hurt so much while i had the ice on... a lil burning, nothing i couldn't handle tho... plus i had just been thinking about cutting, so this seemed a much better choice, especially when i was told that it wouldn't leave a mark for more than a few mins... well, i guess i used too much salt or left it on too long, cuz i still have a lovely reddish bruise looking welt on the inside of my left wrist (it feels nifty too... all hard and shit... really hot too... so, i've gotta hope that heals before family gets here... tho i oculd just say i burnt my arm on a curling iron or somethin... it might work...
oh, and i text messaged mike yesterday morning... said... "i've gotta know, and i'm fucked up enough to have the guts to ask... is it just sex to you? i just wanna know what you want from me. fuck buddy? more? nothing? just somethin i've been wondering." so i sent that about 8:10 yesterday morning... still no reply... no phone call, nothin... hopefully he'll get back to me soon... i really just wanna know either way... it's not like it matters, but i do like the guy... and if he doesn't want anything more than sex, then i need to change my attitude... i honestly just want to know... i think he likes gaby... i know she's more talkative with him, but i'm a quiet person anyways.... i dont talk much to anyone... and they both smoke a lot more than i do, so they go off together to do that... and well, i would feel bad if they hooked up... yeah, as much as i hate to admit it, that does make me jealous... this is one instance (and believe me, it doesn't happen often) of emily getting a bit possessive... but if i were told that i'm just a fuck, or just a friend, then it's done... no need to be jealous or possessive anymore. plus i have that cute devil-lock boy at the club that i know would come home with me any time i wanted... lol. i'm just hoping he writes/calls back soon... i just need to know so i can stop dwelling on it... *sighs* this is why emily doesn't do the relationship thing... this is why i separate sex from any emotion. i mean, i like the people i have sex with, i wont sleep with someone without at least a little attraction, but there's a huge difference between sex and making love... and i haven't had hte second of those in a VERY long time... and it seems that every time i've thought it was i was mistaken... i just find it strange that he was all over me at first, would come over so often, would call and we'd talk for quite a while, we could just hang out... but then it all stopped... he hardly calls, even if he says he will, almost never comes over, and well, i'm just really confused. *sighs* well, i told kelly i'd go to lunch with her and i'm sposed to be showering to get ready, so i should go... laterz.
